Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Stitches (the clown)


Stitches is a little stalk, slash, and slaughter party that is mostly just clowning around. There is some rather deadpan, dark humor and some American Pie-esque youth quibbling about the regular sexually frustrated teen angst filled stuff, all amounting to the comical equivalent of raunchy fart jokes, but that’s not why we’re here. Ultimately the cast is just Irish -fresh meat for showcasing crazy over the top cartoony murder sequences and fortunately enough for us these teens are all pretty tolerable and stereotypical until then. That’s the real pull of this movie reel for real; the cartoony, creative kill sequences that will stick in your warped out noggin for days after the movie has wrapped on your tube.

There is something nostalgic about a slasher flick that only serves as a vehicle for showcasing murders too insane and stupid to believe. It harkens back to the golden age of VHS and the 80’s one-up-ism of yesteryear, where horror films just tried to be grosser and more on the fringe of good taste than the movies sharing shelf space next to it. Intellectual stimulation was a distant objective for these deals; it was all about the pure visceral thrill of horror and the gut wrench reaction of watching Jason upper-cutting people’s heads off. The more wacked out the movie the more likely it was to get good word of mouth amongst the video-vores and gore hounds; the life blood of the VHS rental business. Chances are if you’re a slash-head like yours truly you found these little gross gems as fun as I do; like some cinematic fast fried food, a staple in any young imbecile’s diet.

Stitches is a horror show where the story and plot and dialogue and action only serve as a vehicle to display crazy gore and special effects as a vengeful clown reaps revenge on a group of teens, one bopper at a time. When they were little snots they tormented the foul mouthed clown until a freak accident happens that sends ole Stitches swan diving into a butcher knife. Now the little snots have grown up into big boogers and the clown, through mystical clown cult magic (“A clown that never finishes a party cannot rest in peace.”….don’t ask), comes back from the land of shadows to reek havoc at a birthday bash. The main character mainly responsible for the main clown’s demise is a timid boy named Tom that takes Hynocil (hello Dream Warriors and Freddy Vs. Jason) to help cope with his coulrophobia (big adult word for fear of clowns). He decides to have a party with his old friends to help exorcise some of his social quirks and re-ignite an old flame’s affection for him; spoiler alert, Tom is the “final girl”.
Stitches exists in some cross-dimensional reality where people talk and act like caricatures of real people, kind of like Sleepaway Camp. Stitches the clown is a dirty cigar chomping bozo living in a trailer literally about to fall off a cliff like Bugs Bunny. It begins with butt sex and ends in a blow job, not exactly fine art, more like a live action cartoon, so tailor your expectations accordingly, and just focus on the splatter which is the real heart of the matter. The kills in this are spectacular and gruesome, funny and sadistic, creative and sick; just a whole butt load of sloppy splatter filled fun.