My Bloody Valentine
Welcome to Valentine Bluffs…..a picturesque mining town….mired by a tragedy that struck deep under the black earth…a cave in….the muffled screams of dirt choked lungs….swimming in the abysmal dark….a lunatic mind driven to cannibalism…only Harry Warden survives….no longer man….no longer human….a kill crazy maniac hell bent on REVENGE! Valentine’s Day will never be the same….
My Bloody Valentine is a blue collared, red blooded classic slashtastic machine; a cornerstone in the foundation of classic 80’s bodycount cinema and a staple in any respectable slashhead’s regular boob tubing. You sniveling driveling knuckle draggers would do well to take a trip up North to Valentine Bluffs, where roaming packs of wild dogs roam the flats and the cannibalistic miner gone slasher madman Harry Warden has seemingly returned from the dead to party crash with a pick axe. The local bartender named Happy (who is anything but), speaking in Dr. Seuss rhyme, scolds his working class Moosehead swigging patrons to heed his ghoulish warning; Harry Warden will take whoever is caught snooping around the Hanniger Mines on St. Valentine’s day his personal Valentine…FOREVER. Of course when a body shows up in Laundromat on permanent press and someone begins sending candy boxes full of expunged human hearts to the mayor and sheriff, Valentines Day celebration is officially put on hold, but those damn kids don’t listen and wouldn’t you know it they decide to make the Hanniger Mines a make-out nest on February 14th any how.
“From the heart comes a warning, filled with bloody good - cheer, remember what happened as the 14th draws - near!”
When the holiday strikes Harry Warden (or issss it?), stains his pick axe in blood and steals my heart. My Bloody Valentine displayed some of the best kills in slasherdom while the genre was still on wobbling on new born feet and for this I want to write it a blood soaked thank you card. Thank you MBV (as the hipsters call you, we can be informal here right?), I love you for showing the first boiling hot dog water death on screen. I can’t imagine the disrespect one must feel parting this world with boiling hot dogs bouncing against ones own cheek. Also of particularly putrid note is the hanging decapitation death of Hollis. Just hanging around aye? I’ve never seen a body fall down a mine so convincingly bereaved of life, and that splat when it hits the bottom will pleasantly haunt my dreams for years. You’ve got me MBV, the more I’m with you the more I want you and the more I miss you when you’re away. The thank you note will be pink and heart shaped so Harry can hang it upside down on his wall. I’m yours forever!
"Of the legend they say on a Valentine’s Day is a curse that’ll live on & on...And no one will know of the horror of long time ago."
Hey gang this Valentine's Day make sure to stop by Fright-Rags for a limited edition Harry Warden MBV shirt! Be the coolest ghoul on your block!