Monday, January 23, 2012

The Hills are trippy!

Check out this rad The Hills Have Eyes fit for the movie me thinks!

Friday, January 13, 2012


Check out these rad shirt designs from FRIGHT-RAGS in honor of FRIDAY THE 13TH!

Happy Friday the 13th!

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to camp….a lurking hooded menace…prowling Crystal Lake...lusting for revenge…this summer the bodycount will continue......on the day you can count on for TERROR…

Friday the13th part deux

The summer fun begins with a child singing about the “itsy bitsy spider”, the poor schmuck got washed out with a water sprout.  Water sprouts are super dangerous; my head is always on a swivel looking out for water sprouts.  You never know when a water sprout is going to pop up and ruin your perfectly fine day.  The good news is that the spider was O.K.  He came out when the rain was dried up.

I guess you could say that the spider represents Jason and the reference to the water sprout, the cycle of water washing the spider out only for it to rise again is like Jason drowning in Crystal Lake only to rise again and again to witness teens consummating their freckled face love, and shatter that harmonious exchange with a pick axe.  Life is a graveyard……dig it!?  Jason does.  Fucking respect.

Jason’s back; isn’t that grand!?  He grew from a mongoloid forest child to a jacked up, pissed off, behemoth of a red neck all in just a couple year time span.  Isn’t retcon grand?  He must have ate his fill of bears.  He’s gunning for Alice big time, seeing as how she cut the head from the proverbial snake* (Big J’s momma) in the first Friday outing.  Jason hates using the phone but he does so to prank call Alice.  You’ve been punked Alice.  Alice is still up to her old antics, boiling water every five minutes, and we see evidence that she really does like to draw.; truly character defining moments.  However Jason punks her again by fast pitching a cat at her through a window and leaving his dear mom’s noggin in her fridge; I think he did it only because everyone knows that decapitated heads do not stay fresh for long, like cabbage, and they reek worse than a C.H.U.D.’s cleft asshole.  Then its curtains for Alice; we knew ye well.  You liked to draw right?

Cut to Crystal Lake and the head honcho of the new summer camp is giving his new group of youthful counselors the lowdown about bears; menstruating women….beware!  What he didn’t mention until later was that there was also a plaid clad maniac storming the woods looking to maim anybody that crossed his path.  Not even poodles are safe from his wraith.  Fer REALZ.  Even Fluffy gets filleted.

Ginny shows up Paul with her sass, Paul warns her of bears too, Crazy Ralph swings by and the gangs all here for the sultan of slaughter to rock the camp grounds.  Camp BLOOD is back!  It’s not long before people start dying through backward machete slices, Crazy Ralph gets killed by barbed wire** and has his body dumped in the some closet (which looks like the same one we first see him in the original).  Ginny pisses herself in sheer terror (bladder splatter), we see the shack that Jason’s been chilling in all these years, and in the end the nerdy drunk guy that chose to stay at the bar survives the night.  Beer saves, Jason KILLS!

*On moonless nights in the crypt, locked deep in my slasher studies, I have often mulled over the scene in the original Friday the 13th where the campers chase down and decapitate a garden snake in one of the cabins.  Could the snake be some sort of subconscious representation of Mrs. Pamela Voorhees; liken a snake in Eden?  Certainly the death of the snake and Pamela’s demise share some commonality. Can we contribute this to the “science of coincidence” that Bill speaks of in the first movie?  I’ll let you mush brains decide that one for yourselves!  Squish, squish.

**How did Jason come from over the tree with his arms to kill Ralph with the barbed wire?  Was the tree short or something?  The logistics in Crazy Ralph’s death don’t really make much sense as they are presented on screen and thus makes me feel bat-shit insane.  

Saturday, January 7, 2012

2012...year of the saw?

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

TERROR TRAIN - A slasher for the NEW YEAR!

Terror Train
All aboard, the terror train is on the tracks…chugging along at maniac speed….a hard cold steel death machine….for the people trapped on board this new year may be their last….Kenny Hampson’s got some tricks up his sleeve and revenge on his mind ….he’s ready to make your life go….*POOF*…disappear!  

You’ll only need a one way ticket when you ride the TERROR TRAIN!

Whenever I reminisce of Terror Train I think of the story that a friend of mine once told me about David Copperfield trying to “cop-a-feel” from his mother after cutting someone in half on stage.  I think of magical peanut vending machines.  I think of a man dressed as a parrot, speaking in a parrot voice, and fully expecting to be taken seriously.  Terror Train is essentially The Great White North’s poor man’s answer to John Carpenter’s Halloween; except on a crazy train, and by ZHUUL I am sold on that idea.

There’s a fraternity prank, some nerdy never-do-well named Kenny Hampson gets tricked into crawling into bed with a corpse.  I don’t see what the big deal is, dead chicks don’t say “no” Kenny.  He totally flips his lid and spins himself into a fangled mess of curtains, as if wrapping himself in that shocking moment of time.  Poor Kenny; should have known that movie-land frat pranks typically pave the trail for tragedy.

Kenny liked to play with trains and was an amateur magician, so guess how the same frat house knob jobs that wronged Kenny decide to celebrate their graduation; on a train watching a hired magician.  These guys really love tempting fate with bad cine-karma.  When the train leaves the station (and even before) the bodies start to drop.  One crappy Groucho imitator gets impaled and grinded up in the train tracks.  Good thing too; that guy’s jokes were killing me.  Hardee HAR!  

I love the long dark train hallways in the later half of the film, the shots of the dimly lit mahogany interior of the cars after Mo dies and they abandon the train briefly in a panic. That dark, foreboding, tunnel-like vision underlines the single minded tunnel vision mindset of the killer as well as compliments the claustrophobic elements of the film; like when Doc Manley and Alana try hiding from the killer in a locked room. The pastel lighting is also an interesting choice; it always reminded me of some sort of dream-like, spaced out dementia, like a glimpse of the world through Kenny's eyes.
Another aspect of the film that stood out to me was the train conductor Carne. He brought a real salt of the earth sensibility to the play. Out of all the characters I think I enjoyed him the most; a genuine old school good guy. I like the fact that they resisted the temptation to make him too much of the stereotypical tough guy who swoops in to save the day at the last moment. If this had been a recent release they would have replaced Carne with some daytime television soap opera heart throb. He struck me as an ordinary guy doing his best in extraordinary circumstances all the while managing to remain frank and cool headed. Bravo sir!

There’s some hooey about he said, she said, typical B-flick wishy washy romance crap, but this movie has true red slasher blood running through its veins and none of that candy ass filler really detracts from the good times, so don’t sweat it.  If you find your mind wandering just think about what a bag of tools David Copperfield is, it won’t be long before a sword ruptures someone’s spleen and all will be right in the world.  No Halloween-on-rails would be complete without James Lee Curtis screaming ITS ragged face off, and this has got that too.  There’s costume switching hijinks, magic shows, a slow dancing secretary in a wheel chair, and all sorts of fruity crap to keep your toes curled, not to mention cold hard DEATH in the caboose.  The last chase scene is as bloody suspenseful as schlock comes.   So don’t delay, seek Terror Train before the party leaves the station!