Friday, January 13, 2012

Happy Friday the 13th!

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to camp….a lurking hooded menace…prowling Crystal Lake...lusting for revenge…this summer the bodycount will continue......on the day you can count on for TERROR…

Friday the13th part deux

The summer fun begins with a child singing about the “itsy bitsy spider”, the poor schmuck got washed out with a water sprout.  Water sprouts are super dangerous; my head is always on a swivel looking out for water sprouts.  You never know when a water sprout is going to pop up and ruin your perfectly fine day.  The good news is that the spider was O.K.  He came out when the rain was dried up.

I guess you could say that the spider represents Jason and the reference to the water sprout, the cycle of water washing the spider out only for it to rise again is like Jason drowning in Crystal Lake only to rise again and again to witness teens consummating their freckled face love, and shatter that harmonious exchange with a pick axe.  Life is a graveyard……dig it!?  Jason does.  Fucking respect.

Jason’s back; isn’t that grand!?  He grew from a mongoloid forest child to a jacked up, pissed off, behemoth of a red neck all in just a couple year time span.  Isn’t retcon grand?  He must have ate his fill of bears.  He’s gunning for Alice big time, seeing as how she cut the head from the proverbial snake* (Big J’s momma) in the first Friday outing.  Jason hates using the phone but he does so to prank call Alice.  You’ve been punked Alice.  Alice is still up to her old antics, boiling water every five minutes, and we see evidence that she really does like to draw.; truly character defining moments.  However Jason punks her again by fast pitching a cat at her through a window and leaving his dear mom’s noggin in her fridge; I think he did it only because everyone knows that decapitated heads do not stay fresh for long, like cabbage, and they reek worse than a C.H.U.D.’s cleft asshole.  Then its curtains for Alice; we knew ye well.  You liked to draw right?

Cut to Crystal Lake and the head honcho of the new summer camp is giving his new group of youthful counselors the lowdown about bears; menstruating women….beware!  What he didn’t mention until later was that there was also a plaid clad maniac storming the woods looking to maim anybody that crossed his path.  Not even poodles are safe from his wraith.  Fer REALZ.  Even Fluffy gets filleted.

Ginny shows up Paul with her sass, Paul warns her of bears too, Crazy Ralph swings by and the gangs all here for the sultan of slaughter to rock the camp grounds.  Camp BLOOD is back!  It’s not long before people start dying through backward machete slices, Crazy Ralph gets killed by barbed wire** and has his body dumped in the some closet (which looks like the same one we first see him in the original).  Ginny pisses herself in sheer terror (bladder splatter), we see the shack that Jason’s been chilling in all these years, and in the end the nerdy drunk guy that chose to stay at the bar survives the night.  Beer saves, Jason KILLS!

*On moonless nights in the crypt, locked deep in my slasher studies, I have often mulled over the scene in the original Friday the 13th where the campers chase down and decapitate a garden snake in one of the cabins.  Could the snake be some sort of subconscious representation of Mrs. Pamela Voorhees; liken a snake in Eden?  Certainly the death of the snake and Pamela’s demise share some commonality. Can we contribute this to the “science of coincidence” that Bill speaks of in the first movie?  I’ll let you mush brains decide that one for yourselves!  Squish, squish.

**How did Jason come from over the tree with his arms to kill Ralph with the barbed wire?  Was the tree short or something?  The logistics in Crazy Ralph’s death don’t really make much sense as they are presented on screen and thus makes me feel bat-shit insane.