Monday, December 3, 2012

Silent Night, Deadly Night review

After watching Silent Night, Deadly Night last Friday for the fiftieth time I’ve come once again to the conclusion that it is a film that exists in a bizarre parallel dimension somewhat like our own, but with enough minute differences to know that it just isn’t Kansas anymore Toto. People sing Christmas tunes that I’ve never heard before, or repeat weird Christmas rituals I’ve never heard of or seen. It’s the kind of place where functional bows and arrows are sold in toy stores and people feel perfectly comfortable leaving their kids alone with catatonic psychopaths. In light of these facts I can’t help but give the movie a little leeway; after all, tis the season and all that muck.
At the core of the story is the tragic tale of Billy, who witnesses his mother and father brutally murdered by a man dressed as Santa on Christmas Eve, or maybe it was the real Santa, the movie really isn’t clear about that and in this dimension, who knows. His crazy ass grandpa actually predicts the event giving Billy adequate enough proof that Santa is really an evil bastard that punishes naughty people on Christmas. To the surprise of nobody but a few bitter nuns Billy develops a pathological fear of Santa Claus. On top of being orphaned by Saint Nick poor Billy suffers from mental and psychological abuse at the orphanage he is assigned to by the state under the harsh rule of Mother Superior. This will not end well for Billy.

Speaking of Mother Superior, what a bull faced cunt of a woman. I reserve the “c” word for special cases because I know how upset it makes people, but if anyone deserved the label Mother Superior “pain in the ass” is it. The way she deals with children is the way my old drill instructor dealt with new trainees, except maybe he was a little less abrasive. Mother Superior is the villain of the movie, and for all her self righteous bullshit and callous treatment of the orphans she never gets her just reward. That really breaks my heart every time I watch this movie. Spoiler alert folks, Billy does not get his revenge.

Billy gets a job at the local toy store where he ends up working for an alcoholic boss and jerky supervisor, but everything is as copasetic as it can be until the Christmas season. And because pretty much everybody is an asshole to some degree in this world Billy soon gets roped in to being the store Santa Claus. I didn’t think this was so strange or mean to Billy until the manager actually reveals that he knew about the nature of his parent’s deaths. So you knew that his parents were slayed by a man dressed as Santa but you still make him dress as Santa for your crummy store? These people are just asking for it, and by “it” I mean a hammer to the forehead, or maybe just getting strangled to death with Christmas lights, or disemboweled with a utility knife, or even shot through the chest with an arrow.

After heaps of tragedy is reigned down on Billy’s head like visions of sugar plumbs, he totally snaps and starts killing everybody for being “naughty”, although his rules for naughtiness are rather loose and free wheeling. He kills one guy for looking for his girlfriend. He impales some broad on antlers for answering her door without a top on, not to mention a cop and pretty much anyone that crosses his path that isn’t a child. Even one snowman totally minding his own snowman business gets hastily decapitated. Billy really goes berserk.

In the end Billy doesn’t quite get the revenge he was looking for, but what a ride. Silent Night, Deadly Night might have some serious anti-religious message buried under all the deep fried cheese but I highly doubt it. If anything it was just table setting the tragedy of a boy who hated Christmas, or really I think Christmas hated him. Recently I discovered that there is a kind of anti-Santa Claus type figure recognized by many religions and Christmas traditions around the world, a Santa Claus that punishes naughty children, but I think that whatever name they gave that deity should be swapped for Billy Chapman. He’s really what I think of when I think of Christmas punishment….it is good…it is necessary….so maybe Billy was really on to something the rest of Western civilization was missing out on. Billy really was on the cutting edge of Christmas tradition, haha, get it, cutting edge, he’s a slasher, hehehe, hahaha, and ho,ho,ho? Anyways Silent Night, Deadly Night should be a staple in your holiday movie diet, more so than that lame ass Charlie Brown, he’s naaaauughtyyyy…..