Sunday, September 25, 2011

Humanoids from the Deep

Hope all you crusty cretins out there enjoyed some of the HALLOWEEN 2 slop I had to offer from the crypt.  I'm dragging up some B-grade reviews from the icy abyssal depths of the ocean for your viewing pleasure...hope the season of rot is treating you all well. 


The creature rise; a hulking mass of seaweed and entangled hermit crabs, it throws its head back gurgling slime and salt through a thousand unseen gills, its struggled breathing sounding like a scuba respirator full of sludge, and you can see in wide mouthed horror the fin stretch, the dark thin skin between expand, the twisting veins pumping dark blood in this fold of flesh is backlit by the gleaming moonlight, and this impossible monster becomes real.  Before it was too silly to consider, a child’s nightmare, something the adult mind can’t spend time seriously pondering, there were other things to worry about ,like taxes, gossiping neighbors, your bank account, whose your friend and who isn’t your friend; adult matters, no time to entertain fancies of magic fairies, or Santa Claus, or sea monsters.  But here it is, like an exclamation point negating everything you thought you knew, and your final thoughts as it digs it’s black claws, black as plaque, into your neck, severing your arterial vein, is how absurd it is, to be killed by something that can’t exist…..

From the cold and smothering black depths of cinematic depravity comes a movie unashamed to deliver the creature gore that gushing red blooded horror freaks truly relish. Humanoids from the Deep is a Corben flick that delivers all the scaly, slithery, slimy mayhem your eyes can suck up into your cortex. Plus the crux of the plot centers around fish-men raping chicks; mull over that one in your scrub tub late at night.

The story takes place in a sleepy fishing community where a big bad corporation is coming in to give everyone jobs at a newly proposed fish hatching plant. A local Native American sees through this ploy, notices the subtle changes in the wildlife, like dead dogs and giant humanoid fish men, so naturally he opposes this plant. There's a lot of conflict between him and a bunch of racist rednecks, leading to wacky black and blue brawls where uppercuts go "bamf" and have the heavy sound of bare knuckle punching raw meat, but that soon takes a backseat to the real issue at hand; mermen are raping their women and by golly they got to do something about it. The cool headed main goody two shoes fisherman and main protagonist Jim, sides with the Indian after he sees some evidence indicating something is amok. They team with a hot body scientist named Dr. Drake (these type of flicks always have a beautiful babe biologist, don't they?), who seems to know a little bit too much about these new creatures. After locating a hive of the humanoids and filling it with buckets of bullets and spear gun darts, they retrieve a fish monster cadaver and one of their recent rape victims, a girl who is still covered in fresh humanoid man spunk. Dr. Drake ends up revealing that the new plant, or cannery, is the source of these creatures, and that they are attracted to big tittied buxoms. Naturally. This sets the stage for the sea men's big offensive push out of the water and on to land at an annual carnival. Chaos ensues, women are taken as sex slaves, men are made into sushi, but eventually the people rally together and repel the onslaught of horny amphibians.

The humanoids are sufficiently slimy, there’s a bodacious boob count, and the gore is on par with slow decapitations, face rips, and torso tears; this has the right mix o' cheese to keep most B-flixsters happy. I love how un-reactive, and stone faced everyone in this film seems to be after discovering what could be the find of a century. It's all dealt with in such a matter of fact manner that it makes me wonder how many times monsters from the ocean venture to this place to inseminate some poor lady, so obviously the acting is pretty much what you'd expect given the type of flick this is. I really dug this slop. Anything that capitalizes on the fear of rape with creatures from the murky depths of the ocean should be checked out at least once.