Tuesday, March 29, 2011

The Mutilator!


One day Big Ed picked up a cold brew and a battle axe and never but them down again.  He’s hunted bears and antelope; he’s hunted the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, but during this fall break Big Ed has his sights on a new kind of game….by knife, by sword, by axe…bye bye!

The Mutilator is a movie that reminds me of dancing to your own grave; it starts out all nice, and sweet, and soft, and plushy…then BAAAAM…mutilation. Everyone is having a gas, good times on fall break, boozing with buddies, mingling with Monopoly and other grab ass drinking games, not a care in the world….then Big Ed shows up and disembowels someone.  A woman is baited like a worm on a large hook.  The party is pooped.  Big Ed hangs them up like trophies in his man-cave (aka a garage).  The MAN sleeps with an axe and dreams of revenge; revenge on an estranged son for the accidental shooting death of his wife.  Happy birthday Ed, I took from you the one thing you loved more than life itself.  All you have left is the hunt Ed…lions and tigers and bears…oh my…but it’s not enough…not enough to sate the loss…only revenge remains…

Ed junior seems to know the score.  He knows his father’s acting strange; acting off….but he’s had to have forgiven him…after all these years he can’t possibly still be upset…he can’t still be mad…his own father couldn’t kill…not a human anyways….not Big Ed….but never mind that…it’s FALL BREAK!  We’re going off to have a good time at Big Ed’s man-cave by the beach!  Drink some beers, relax, forget finals, and let the good times roll...except Big Ed’s got other plans.  Drunk on whiskey and rage, he wants to see heads roll, not good times.  He wants to laugh at you in the dark then stab you in the face.  Big Ed’s down with evisceration, vivisection, and most of all…mutilation….and what a grand gore show it will be, full of flying bone, mangled cartilage, and twitching limbs.  One that I will thank him for, even as he departs this world severed from the waist down….laughing hysterically like the beer soaked maniac madman you are…bless your smile Ed.