Friday, January 14, 2011

Chopping Mall

Chopping Mall

Shopping malls in America used to be chaotic, dangerous, and downright deadly. Liken the dust strewn streets of the Wild West, or some lawless post apocalyptic land where life is a white line nightmare where the weak are battered and smashed; family shopping malls were a deadly gambit of beauty pageants, skateboarding kids, and wailing Casio key-tar beats. That is, of course, until we hired robot protectors to help us safely navigate the aisles unharmed by toxic scab heads or Splatter Punks, to pick out our favorite colored socks (green like The Shape). These treaded, laser spewing, torso crunching death machines will finally introduce order to the shopping experience. I can finally peruse the antique wooden limb aisle in peace…or if it’s up to the robots…pieces…

It’s Beverly Hills. People chew gum with intensity unknown to the rest of the free world. In the food court there are Forbidden World and Slumber Party Massacre posters decorating the walls; which, in case you didn’t know because of your abysmal lameness, is totally tubular. What can I say you saps, it’s Beverly Hills, and they obviously have taste. Life is pizza, parties, fridges bristling with crisp sudsy silver bullets, and bodacious babes. It’s all pancakes until the Chopping Mall droids show up blowing people’s heads off with lasers. It’s a major bummer, but fuck it, it’s Friday! Break out the sweater vest and send those buckets of bolts a Rambo-gram they’ll never forget!

Chopping Mall is the ridiculous over the top brain wave crushing experience that you hope it to be. It’s that perfect storm of 80’s spunk and sloppy gore. It adheres to the movie rules that all robots are bullet proof, despite the material they’re made out of, and all the typical slasher ground rules. Some people might call it garbage, but use gutter suckling guppies know better; this is the meatloaf dinner of soap kitchens. Any movie where they point out how working in a pizza joint can prepare you for battling robots gets this crypt’s appraisal…may I please see your identification?