Thursday, November 10, 2011

The Deadly Bees

The Deadly Bees

You walk into a dank saloon, frothing at the mouth for a night cap to warm the old engine. Your eyes slowly adjust to the darkness; nondescript wooden keg barrels line the back of the bar, surely housing amber beer swill. Patrons shack up in corners of the lodge, speaking in muffled tones as wisps of heavy smoke dances in the empty spaces, clinging jealously to anything that gives movement. The stout bartender, movement slowed to a crawl from the burden of years of punctual tavern keeping, advertises his intention of pouring you a nice tall tankard of Ole English White. You refuse. Tonight your jowls will feel the tingle of scotch. He pours you your drink, you find a seat in a finely crafted leather bound chair, and let the liquor wash between the teeth and engage the senses. After a few short swigs your disposition falls in line with the ambience of the pub. Although you are not accustomed to ease dropping, your hearing quickly hones into a conversation happening behind you; two rather stuffy English fellows of the academic sort:

Cheeky fellow 1 (while huffing smoke from a pipe): Good sir, let me propose an idea if you may.

Cheeky fellow 2: Please propose you cheeky bastard. I haven’t all night.

Cheeky fellow 1: Let’s weave a tale, right here and now, of a man, a bee keeping man, who plans on ruling an island.

Cheeky fellow 2: What’s on this island, and why does he scheme to rule it so?

Cheeky fellow 1: Wouldn’t you like to own an island my good man? Is it not a man’s desire to be a land baron of some sort?

Cheeky fellow 2: Why yes, I think I see your point, having an entire island all to yourself would be quite splendid, but why the insect taming? Does this man have a sweet tooth? Is he addicted to honey?

Cheeky fellow 1: No…he….urgghh…has a shelf full of bees…..hates his nagging wife….beautiful buxom…old farm…..groovy beats…mysteries..useless god man what concoction is this (staring at his glass)….never mind my ranting and raving, I’m plumb drunk sir.

Cheeky fellow 2: Well cheerio.

Cheeky fellow 1: Cheerio….(blearghhhhh)….

And that is how Deadly Bees should have stayed; a fevered dream of a plumb drunk chap. But no, I had to suffer through it anyways, and let me tell you, the best shot of the movie is of flies glued to someone’s face. Actually, you could really forgo even seeing this film and have a bushel more of fun by gluing flies to your own face and staring at yourself in the mirror for two hours. Get drunk beforehand. It’s pure, clean, retro-fun, and it won't bore you into miserable tears.