Thursday, October 13, 2011
Hawker's such a fiery ball of rage and hatred that he has to carry a black stress ball around with him every where he goes. He even sweeps the floor with a zamboni in a manner that just conveys that he's seriously pissed off. If you could bottle all that hatred and stick it into a rocket ship it'd fly to Jupiter and back and still have fuel in reserve. He's so mad in this movie that he focuses most of his time on stalking TWO main characters, which crazy for a slasher film. The main baddy usually has his hands full just focusing on one target, but not Hawk Colter...oh no...he picks two because he overheard a nurse referring to him as a "creep". That's gotta chaff you enough to make it your undying mission to wipe her and her entire family, friends, and pets off the face of the planet!
And what the hell was up with the jewelry thing? He gets naked and covers himself in every piece of jewelry this lady owns and smears makeup all over his face. What a friggin bag of screw boxes. I bet he didn't even know he was being filmed, he showed up to work dressed like that that day at Home Depot or something and the director spotted him and knew he had the perfect man for the role. Not to mention the bell thing on his necklace. You'd think a slasher wouldn't be running around with a bell strapped around his neck. It's be really tough to sneak up on people jingle jangling around. Maybe it's his own personal joke, like he is showing up to slice your throat and he's so psyched out about it he came literally with bells on. What a cracker jack.
William Shatner is in it too, but I'm not sure why. I mean he spends most of the film eating hospital food and looking smug; not that I'm complaining or anything, it's fucking Shatner after all. At one point he's allowed into a fresh crime scene and you can't figure out exactly what the fuck he's doing there. Up to that moment in the film he was being portrayed as some sort of studio director, and last I checked they didn't have first dibs on trying to solve crimes. I guess the detectives were just like "Oh shit, it's Shatner, let him take a crack at this". Fucking Shatner man.
For the people wondering about the plot I'll break it down quick and dirty; it's a film about a lunatic that has a hard on for killing some news anchor/editorialist who's full of moxy and exposes pro-feminist, anti-violence, pro-bunny sentiments, all of which totally piss Ironside off. He freaking HATES bunny rabbits. His first attack on her landed her in a hospital, so never wanting to leave a job unfinished he pursues her from there, and nobody, not the cops, not helpless hospital patients, not annoying schmoes that look like Mario from Super Mario Brothers with huge ass 70's staches, and not even Shatner in all his ice cream slurping glory can stop him. They eventually describe where all his rage comes from, which of course is from some cliche bad childhood trama, but really they could have left it out. The question is sometimes way more exciting than the answer.
For people looking for one of those fluffy "popcorn" horror films this ain't it. There's no tongue in cheek antics, no directorial hyucking, no funny business to be had here; but that's not to say this movie ain't fun to watch.
Posted by CROPSY'S CRYPTKEEPER at 3:48 AM