Thursday, October 13, 2011

Visitng Hours

This one really took me by surprise. It's such a mean spirited, well played slasher flick. It reminded me of Maniac, which is rare because Maniac is one of my favorite movies. Michael Ironside (Colt Hawker) plays the grade ‘A’ badass motherfucker in this movie. He's such a sleazy looking, slithering huckster; constantly dripping in some mung-like goo that has the consistency of bowling alley oil, constantly raging, constantly on the hunt, constantly winning the hearts and minds of guys everywhere with his fervent psychotic episodes. What a real man; a pinnacle of macho bravado, a master of the art of disrespect. I’d be best buddies with him except for the distinct possibility that he could go apeshit wild bananas on me at the drop of a dime and rather break off toothpicks in my eye sockets than discuss the intricacies of 18th century Elizabethan taxes. Then again, maybe I’d do the same. And then again, maybe he just takes his boiling inferno of rage a couple more dance steps than what I’d be comfortable with. Ironside’s character is also a total and complete bastard, so that’s another reason why I don’t think we’ll be giving each other high fives anytime soon. He’s the type of guy who chokes old ladies in their hospital beds while taking pictures of them grasping for life. Plus he doesn't leave tips for waitresses at greasy spoon diners. I can’t abide that. The no tipping part I mean.

Hawker's such a fiery ball of rage and hatred that he has to carry a black stress ball around with him every where he goes. He even sweeps the floor with a zamboni in a manner that just conveys that he's seriously pissed off. If you could bottle all that hatred and stick it into a rocket ship it'd fly to Jupiter and back and still have fuel in reserve. He's so mad in this movie that he focuses most of his time on stalking TWO main characters, which crazy for a slasher film. The main baddy usually has his hands full just focusing on one target, but not Hawk Colter...oh no...he picks two because he overheard a nurse referring to him as a "creep". That's gotta chaff you enough to make it your undying mission to wipe her and her entire family, friends, and pets off the face of the planet!

And what the hell was up with the jewelry thing? He gets naked and covers himself in every piece of jewelry this lady owns and smears makeup all over his face. What a friggin bag of screw boxes. I bet he didn't even know he was being filmed, he showed up to work dressed like that that day at Home Depot or something and the director spotted him and knew he had the perfect man for the role. Not to mention the bell thing on his necklace. You'd think a slasher wouldn't be running around with a bell strapped around his neck. It's be really tough to sneak up on people jingle jangling around. Maybe it's his own personal joke, like he is showing up to slice your throat and he's so psyched out about it he came literally with bells on. What a cracker jack.

William Shatner is in it too, but I'm not sure why. I mean he spends most of the film eating hospital food and looking smug; not that I'm complaining or anything, it's fucking Shatner after all. At one point he's allowed into a fresh crime scene and you can't figure out exactly what the fuck he's doing there. Up to that moment in the film he was being portrayed as some sort of studio director, and last I checked they didn't have first dibs on trying to solve crimes. I guess the detectives were just like "Oh shit, it's Shatner, let him take a crack at this". Fucking Shatner man.

For the people wondering about the plot I'll break it down quick and dirty; it's a film about a lunatic that has a hard on for killing some news anchor/editorialist who's full of moxy and exposes pro-feminist, anti-violence, pro-bunny sentiments, all of which totally piss Ironside off. He freaking HATES bunny rabbits. His first attack on her landed her in a hospital, so never wanting to leave a job unfinished he pursues her from there, and nobody, not the cops, not helpless hospital patients, not annoying schmoes that look like Mario from Super Mario Brothers with huge ass 70's staches, and not even Shatner in all his ice cream slurping glory can stop him. They eventually describe where all his rage comes from, which of course is from some cliche bad childhood trama, but really they could have left it out. The question is sometimes way more exciting than the answer.
For people looking for one of those fluffy "popcorn" horror films this ain't it. There's no tongue in cheek antics, no directorial hyucking, no funny business to be had here; but that's not to say this movie ain't fun to watch.