Wrong Turn 4

Wrong Turn 4 is a slap dash of Saw-inspired depravity, torture porn-esque raunch, and toilet level humor.  Even with expectations set to zero the movie grates against my medulla oblongata.  It earns crypt-o points for slashing in the snow, but loses said points for the blasphemy of rendering snow with CGI.  Set with a cast of one dimensional jocks and jockettes with matching Beiber Ken-doll haircuts and personalities, it’s hard to sympathize with any of the meat.  This is the type of party that all scream “YEAH” and throw their fists in the air when they simultaneously hop on to snow mobiles.  May death release these morons soon…I mean these goofs complain about the cold while simultaneously stripping down naked.  But no fear, it isn’t soon before they snuggle into a nice warm abandoned insane asylum with the infamous inbreds of Wrong Turn; now with a new and improved totally 100% unnecessary back story that really adds zero to the proceedings of any of the movies in the series.  The inbred hill-tards kind of look like they got their getup from the local Spirits Halloween store, so don’t expect the same threat level as the original.  Think more Goosebumps meets Hostel and you kind of got the feel for this freak-shake.  The kill scenes are long and torturous, and I get the sense that they meant for some of it to be slapstick, but it just comes off as mean spirited when we are forced to spend ten minutes watching someone get tortured as a “human fondue”.  They pile on lesbians and bouts of brevity to try to soften the mean nature of the movie but it just falls short and ends up making for a very strange package.  I can’t tell if they want me to laugh or clutch my barf bag.  I can say it kept me watching from beginning to end, and the ending was pretty marvelous…rewind worthy and out of nowhere….so I won’t spoil it for you here.  It will make for a decent Friday night time waster with a few brews but skip the repeat watch, it’s a good renter for the depraved….      

Wrong Turns

What’s up rippers?  Thought I’d try posting more off the bloody cuff stuff.  I’ve recently revisited the brand “nu” generic backwoods slasher Wrong Turn; a movie that proves once again that the old tropes of stalk and slash can still scare up a few screams.  The setup is exactly the same you come to expect from its 70’s and 80’s grindhouse kin; a group of hip-to-be-square strangers get lost in the wilds of West Virginia and are hunted by giggling, jibbering mad inbred cannibals hankering for some Gucci stew.  For those that still haven’t seen it Wrong Turn doesn’t desecrate any new ground, but that doesn’t seem to hamper the spinal snapping pace of the movie any.  The inbred cannibals emulate a sense of deadly ferociousness; they demonstrate superior bow and trapping skills, keeping the danger level high for the fresh faced would-be victims, and the attacks come suddenly and sometimes without warning, keeping the audience sufficiently rattled.  Even after seeing this a few times I still jump at certain points where, like an arrow to the face, the ultra-violence seems to explode on the screen out of nowhere to wrench your guts.  I haven’t seen Wrong Turn for a while, but it really is one of the better “nu wave” slasher yarns with its guts in the right place (it was written by stalk and slash fan Alan McElroy, the same writer of Halloween 4) and some notorious and really creative kill scenes.  I recently received Wrong Turn 4 from a super cool someone, which has me kind of amped being as it is a snowbound slasher…..I hope it’s good….fingers and severed limbs crossed!             

Sideshow's killer Freddy premium format figure

If it wasn't for the price I'd be on this faster than a hobo on a ham sandwich.  Me wants it!


http://www.sideshowtoy.com/?p=37313

FRED HEADS check out Fright-Rags on March 15th!

Friday part 5 is cool...yar beyond be SPOLIERS!

In defense of Friday the 13^th part 5:  The New Beginning

In the Friday the 13^th: The Final Chapter Jason met his embarrassing defeat at the hands of Corey Feldman, so it should come as no surprise that he wasn’t in the mood to resurface for the 5^th entry in the series.  If Corey Feldman beat you at anything would you want to show your face in public anytime soon?  I didn’t think so.

 Friday the 13^th part 5 gets a lot of shit for not having the “real” Jason in it.  He’s only shown in hallucinations and dreamlike illusions.  The real killer is a copycat.  He’s an ambulance driver named Roy.  There, I fucking spoiled it for the people that didn’t catch the obvious wink-wink, nudge-nudge moments in the film showing Roy’s reaction to his dead son Joey and subsequent “Are you talking to me Sheriff?” dialogue.  And while some people might find Roy a poor substitute for a killer mongoloid in serious need of swimming lessons, I found it thematically appropriate.  The original Friday the 13^th was about a mother’s reaction to grief over her son’s death (or presumed death).  The fifth entry deals with a father’s reaction to his son Joey’s death, which is a theme that ties the series together with its roots quite nicely.  Joey is even represented as a social outcast, much like Jason was said to be; ignored and physically different from his peers, and his death triggers a lethal response in Roy much the same way news of Jason’s drowning triggers Pamela Voorhees to kill.  And their purpose for killing seemed to extend way beyond mere revenge.  It seemed apparent to me that both of them wanted to memorialize the deaths of their children whose mistreatment by the world would have otherwise gone completely forgotten while simultaneously attacking a society they believed had let them down some way.  Their failure to protect as guardians was placed on the failure of society to protect its innocent, and thus they set out to prove the NIHILISTIC reality that nobody is ever truly safe via enacting revenge.

I’m glad they kept Jason dead for this installment.  I love the big loaf like most fans but his time was done, and keeping him dead is much better than bringing him back to be some cheesy ass superhuman Frankenstein monster.  The film makers themselves couldn’t even play it with a straight face anymore, adding little cutesy tongue in cheek garbage to the script every chance they got, like having Jason do a James Bond impression, or being resurrected by lightning, or knocking over some punk kid’s stereo in Manhattan.  FUCK.  Friday the 13^th parts six through ten are fun films, sure, but they are also fucking retarded, and they are anything but suspenseful and terrifying.  If anything fans should be pissed that Jason came back as such a hollow mockery of his former self to piss all over the tenuous legacy of the Friday the 13^th films.       

I hope everyone is enjoying the fine spring air.  The first wisps of summer air have crept into the crypt, and it couldn't be more wretched.  This summer Cropsy will have his revenge, so much to do...so many graves to dig...so little time...

HARRY WARDEN'S COMING!

My Bloody Valentine

Welcome to Valentine Bluffs…..a picturesque mining town….mired by a tragedy that struck deep under the black earth…a cave in….the muffled screams of dirt choked lungs….swimming in the abysmal dark….a lunatic mind driven to cannibalism…only Harry Warden survives….no longer man….no longer human….a kill crazy maniac hell bent on REVENGE!  Valentine’s Day will never be the same….

My Bloody Valentine is a blue collared, red blooded classic slashtastic machine; a cornerstone in the foundation of classic 80’s bodycount cinema and a staple in any respectable slashhead’s regular boob tubing.  You sniveling driveling knuckle draggers would do well to take a trip up North to Valentine Bluffs, where roaming packs of wild dogs roam the flats and the cannibalistic miner gone slasher madman Harry Warden has seemingly returned from the dead to party crash with a pick axe.  The local bartender named Happy (who is anything but), speaking in Dr. Seuss rhyme, scolds his working class Moosehead swigging patrons to heed his ghoulish warning; Harry Warden will take whoever is caught snooping around the Hanniger Mines on St. Valentine’s day his personal Valentine…FOREVER.  Of course when a body shows up in Laundromat on permanent press and someone begins sending candy boxes full of expunged human hearts to the mayor and sheriff, Valentines Day celebration is officially put on hold, but those damn kids don’t listen and wouldn’t you know it they decide to make the Hanniger Mines a make-out nest on February 14^th any how.

“From the heart comes a warning, filled with bloody good - cheer, remember what happened as the 14th draws - near!”

When the holiday strikes Harry Warden (or issss it?), stains his pick axe in blood and steals my heart.  My Bloody Valentine displayed some of the best kills in slasherdom while the genre was still on wobbling on new born feet and for this I want to write it a blood soaked thank you card.  Thank you MBV (as the hipsters call you, we can be informal here right?), I love you for showing the first boiling hot dog water death on screen.  I can’t imagine the disrespect one must feel parting this world with boiling hot dogs bouncing against ones own cheek.  Also of particularly putrid note is the hanging decapitation death of Hollis.  Just hanging around aye?  I’ve never seen a body fall down a mine so convincingly bereaved of life, and that splat when it hits the bottom will pleasantly haunt my dreams for years.  You’ve got me MBV, the more I’m with you the more I want you and the more I miss you when you’re away.   The thank you note will be pink and heart shaped so Harry can hang it upside down on his wall.  I’m yours forever! 

 "Of the legend they say on a Valentine’s Day is a curse that’ll live on & on...And no one will know of the horror of long time ago."  

 

Hey gang this Valentine's Day make sure to stop by Fright-Rags for a limited edition Harry Warden MBV shirt!  Be the coolest ghoul on your block!  

 

The Hills are trippy!

Check out this rad The Hills Have Eyes art...best fit for the movie me thinks!