BLOOD TRACKS

Do you remember those Mad Scientist play sets for kids from the 1980's? They friggin ruled. They had an alien autopsy one where you could cover an alien's organs in that smelly green slime stuff and simulate cutting out this pour things organs. I WISH I still had that thing. It explains sooooo much about my personality now that I played with something like that. They also had these cool play sets where you'd mix two different things that they'd name something like "monster jizz"* and "lizard shit"* and it'd make some sort of crazy reaction, like....ummm....fizzing. Well I've got a confession for you. When I was a kid I dropped a Scorpion music video, a few delicious Swedish gummi fish, and some fake blood into a time capsule, buried it, and now it fused together through some mad scientist reaction (read fizzing) to form Blood Tracks; the cock rock horror movie straight from the alps of Sweden and delivered into the sanctuary of your living room.

This movie is essentially The Hills Have Eyes meets the rock group Rat in the snow, and in the dark. Well, mostly in the dark. Half of the movie I couldn't tell who was who (they just list the actor's names for the credits, which is kind of weird by itself because apparently there is some person out there named Zim Zam…no shiting you), where they were in relation to each other, and well, anything really. People drop off and nobody seems to notice in the film and in the audience. This movie made me feel like I was high on speed, coke, tripping on acid, and huffing paint at the same time without actually doing any drugs at all. It's THAT disorienting. I had to self administer a breathalyzer to make sure I wasn't drunk, even though I hadn't had a beer all week.

I can tell you that it features the band Easy Action. They even perform the theme song for the movie on the side of a mountaintop. There are scenes that look like they were shot in the bottom of a sewage tank. There are dirty inbreeds that just want be left alone to live in their septic tank sanctuary (which is a huge step up for them considered they used to live in a closet with a single tea cup being their ONLY possession). Easy Action steps on their filthy toes by making that new fangled rock music so close to their home. Dozens of people die from traps laid by the family, but you're not sure exactly how some of the traps actually worked because my screen was dark, and because some questionable artistic choices meant that the sides of the screen got cut off at parts. An avalanche displaces a bunny rabbit. It's really as simple as that....sprinkled with a lot of boozing and drugs, but what'd you expect when people are rolling hard with arm tassels and string bikinis in the middle of the Arctic Circle?

This movie does make up for its shortfalls with tons and tons of Velveeta. Blows that look like they'd result in minor wounds end up being geysers of blood. Drugs and rock and roll must make skin vessels really fragile and susceptible to rupturing. And there is no lack of skin and laughable bad dialogue, but sadly enough, no tracks of blood that I can remember. Maybe it's the imaginary drugs clogging my memory. The theme song was right, damn it all. I'm in the danger zone!

*no...not really