Monday, August 1, 2016
I Come In Peace
The White Boys are a group of white collar workers who
happen to deal heroin on the side, although it’s clear they don’t need the
money; they are just evil fuckers. Damn
white people. They own exotic sports car
dealerships, yuppie CEOs in designer suits with shoulder pads snorting
mountains of coke; these bozos think they are above the law and they might be
right, but they aren’t above Jack Caine (Dolph Lundgren), a loose canon cop who
plays by his own rules. They killed his
black partner and they are going to pay with sweet round house kicks to the
head, problem is some alien who uses CDs like ninja stars is slicing and dicing
his way through their ranks, and now Jack is really pissed. Turns out this albino alien with perfectly
quaffed hair is a drug dealer himself; he sticks tubes in people’s chests to
overdose them on heroin, and then extract pieces of their brains for the
endorphins to sell on his home planet.
This piece of information is treated like an “ah-ha” moment, and is explained
without a hint of irony, because shit happens, just another day on the beat for
a Houston
detective. There’s also criminal who
goes by the name Boner and is interrogated by Jack pressing a gun to his nuts. If you are looking for any gay subtext in
this situation stop right there, this
isn’t that sort of movie, besides, Jack is boning the local undertaker,
although I am not sure why; seems like they could have gotten a hotter broad
for this kind of B-trash.
The movie goes through the stereotypical odd couple cop
partner thing for a while; Jack is paired with an impish brown-noser that does
everything “by the book”, crap we’ve seen a dozen times before which only seems
to distract from the alien chest fucking action. The other portion of the movie is schlock
creature feature, watching this weird silver haired dude making drugs out of
people’s brains and dodge exploding cars.
He tells everyone “I come in peace” before sucking out their brains with
a smirk on his face, the kidder.
Everything about this movie is slightly nutty, I’d like to
think behind the scenes there was a lot of booze and partying going on; there’s
a lot of energy and crazy ideas and somehow it works without making me want to
gouge out my own frontal lobe. There’s
no underlining context or pigeon holed message about “drugs are bad mmmkay”,
just real stuntmen and pyrotechnics and goofy wise cracks “you come in peace,
and leave in pieces!”. The final fight
is about what you’d expect, lots of round house kicks and action posturing. This is Dolph at his peak; would make a
perfect double feature with Split Second.
Posted by CROPSY'S CRYPTKEEPER at 7:40 AM 0 comments
Thursday, July 14, 2016
Halloween Horror Nights - Michael Myers Returns!
Michael Myers returns to Universal Studios Halloween Horror Nights
I might actually go this year for the Michael Myers maze.
Posted by CROPSY'S CRYPTKEEPER at 5:24 AM 0 comments
Thursday, June 30, 2016
Battle Truck - review
Civilization
has begun its march to extinction. It’s
a steady pace, the cadence of violence and fear rings loud and clear for all.
Panic is everywhere. Cities crumble as
survivors spread out to the wasteland in search of food and shelter; society
decays. On the streets it is a white
line nightmare of Darwinian survival.
The highways are painted red with the blood of the innocent. The high and tights, the ex-militia, the
crazy and lonely and sadistic men that used violence to protect us and let us
sleep at night have emerged from the maelstrom to take control. The gas wars lead to the oil wars which lead
to the water wars which end in a nuclear nightmare. Resources are spread to the breaking
point. Tribalism rules the land. Roaming bandits feast upon the weak. It’s a new world, with new rules, learn
them….
And amidst
the rubble and decay of this post-apocalyptic nightmare, never stopping, never
ceasing; BATTLE TRUCK! A roaming death
machine, twisted metal crushing bodies in its wake, unstoppable, unbreakable,
and helmed by the sadistic ex-colonel Straker.
Straker sees the new world as it is; an opportunity for the strong to
suppress the weak, to survive and flourish as warlords. Politics of the old world are too soft and
for the meek, “too much lipstick, not enough napalm”. He roams the world doing what “the Generals”
were too cowardly to do; instill order through fear and violence. He has gathered a band of brutal mercenaries
to impose his will on whomever he crosses, gobbling them up in his war machine
to use as another resource in his unending search for conquest.
Straker is
polite, courteous, and willing to murder anyone with a cold reptilian
detachment; anything for more oil. His
daughter however is a peace loving daisy hugging dreamer (bleargh!) who can’t
reconcile her petty moral code with the harsh reality of the nuclear wasteland. She runs away from Straker’s camp and is
rescued by a loner with a cool motorcycle and night vision goggles;
Hunter. Hunter brings her to his
thriving chicken shit farm. After
telling her he really hates people but helps them anyways he leads her to
another community of hippies who are attacked by Battle Truck while picking
apples. They put up a pathetic fight,
and a distressed Straker’s daughter runs back to Hunter as the raiders gather
up the town women. Let me tell you, when
she is recounting the tale of the fallen town to Hunter it really seems like
the actress is suffering from severe PTSD or something. Snot is flying from her nose, she’s crying so
hard she can barely speak her line; holy shitballs give this lady a Grammy or
whatever; best supporting actress in a B-rated post-apocalyptic movie about a
giant truck. Later Hunter bangs her, and
she gets all prophetic about humanity like she’s stoned or something; damn
hippy. The mailman from Cheers is in
this too although his mustache is gone (must have been melted by nuclear
fallout).
There’s a
shootout at night. They must have used
the same lighting guy from Humongous
because I can’t see shit. Straker ends
up kidnapping his daughter back and Hunter works with the dude from Cheers to
build a new battle wagon, which sucks ass.
It really kind of looks like a junky piece of shit but Hunter makes it
work. I’m assuming the film crew tried
building something formable at first like the V-8 Interceptor from Mad Max but
ran out of money or patience or both and just said “fuck it, let’s mount a
machine gun to a beat up Volkswagen bug and call it a day”. In the end the Battle Truck careens off into
a gully and explodes although I’m not convinced Straker really died. Seemed like they hysterically set up room for
a sequel: Battle Truck 2: The Revenge of
Straker. Fuck I’d be there opening
day. Something about post-apocalyptic
nonsense makes me feel free and long for the end of civilization.
Posted by CROPSY'S CRYPTKEEPER at 8:29 AM 0 comments
Saturday, June 11, 2016
More gore in store....
Hibernating...but it's drawing to an end...soon fiends the next evolution in chunk blowers will be upon us...hail the gore vomit elite...
Posted by CROPSY'S CRYPTKEEPER at 8:04 AM 0 comments
Thursday, March 17, 2016
Yulyeong part 1
To the living damned contained in Camp 22 the events of the
night was the only miracle in memory; an insidious thought in these conditions
where the mere hint of hope can drive a man insane. If you dreamt of escape or freedom from
Kwan-li-so it was almost a guarantee you wouldn’t make it through this hell on
Earth; many had taken their own life to escape the torment of the hard labor
camp. The baby was born after the work
shift ended at 10AM; the guards had locked them in for the night after the group
finally recited all the prison camp rules without flaw. Many believe the birth was ironically induced
by the hard work put upon the women that day; they were forced to run carts up
and down a hill like cattle for several hours, a production without any purpose
beyond cruelty, the same large stones carried down the hill would be rushed
back up. The guards did this so pregnant
women would miscarriage, but it seemed to have the effect of inducing labor for
one nameless women, new to the camp, already haggard, hunched over, bleeding
from scabs on her feet and hands. When
she wasn’t sleeping or working she was weeping, another wail to join the
cacophony of ever present sorrow at Camp 22.
There were at least forty of them in that cramped space. Most nights nearly all of them would fall
into sleep instantly upon selecting a cramped space on the floor, passing out
from exhausting and starvation, but there was too much excitement in the air
tonight, and electric charge that pulsated through the whole group. They were careful to cover up their excitement,
arousing the guards suspicions at this hour would result in the torture and
beating death of a few. Several offered
scrapes of clothing to help stem the flow of blood from the women in labor,
which was no small sacrifice; all prisoners were only allowed one pair of
clothing to last the rest of their miserable lives. The women had bitten down so hard on a pine
comb that several of her teeth cracked free from her weak, blackened gums,
bouncing off the floor into secret spaces. Some saved the teeth; it would be all they would have to remember the
nameless women by.
She trembled and heaved throughout the night, her body
casting a wet blanket of steam over the cramped quarters of their cell. Some tired of the spectacle; their dreamless
sleep was the only escape from the daily dread of life. Finally, with the last geyser of blood and amniotic
fluid the baby quietly slipped out of her dark ruby interior as her body
finally gave in to blood loss and exhaustion; she died with a weak barely
audible rasp. Some prisoners ate the
afterbirth raw; cooking was strictly forbidden, and they were all starving, on
the verge of collapse. Starvation was the
leading cause of death here; the daily diet of 30 kernels of corn and salt
couldn’t sustain a ten year old, never mind a full grown adult working hard
labor for all waking hours. Food was
more valuable than gold. It was not
uncommon to hear about a prisoner picking undigested corn kernels from animal
shit for sustenance. Eating rats and
frogs whole was a treat; the prisoners are given no meat, they were forced to
catch their own and skin them with their bare teeth. Some were even considering eating the fresh
cadaver of the new mother.
The most miraculous aspect of the birth was the baby’s quiet demeanor;
it never cried out or made any sort of fuss.
The wail of a new born was not present, only ghostly silence passed from
its lips. Several women tried breast
feeding the baby to no avail; malnutrition ran rampant. It was thought that despite the miraculous
birth the baby was doomed to be lost.
Surely it would be discovered by the guards as work resumed at 6AM in the
morning, and they would cut the mewing youngling down like an errant weed.
But when the shift began at 5AM it was nowhere to be found. Those that fell asleep early in the night
assumed the labor ended in miscarriage, and that is the story the guards
received as well after a few broken bones.
The last person that had seen it alive had dosed off with the bloody
thing wrapped in her caring arms, but when she came to her senses it was
gone. Some thought they had hallucinated
the whole thing; their minds and bodies approaching the end of their meager
existence. The guards dragged the inert
body of the mother from the cell; her crimson trail stained the cement and
would be all that was left behind, when the prisoners returned they would be
too exhausted to turn their thoughts to the events of the prior night, and like
a bad dream all note of the baby’s birth would be passed from memory.
But the baby did not die, it grew up in that hell, behind the
walls, and the secret places where the rats and bugs held council. Its skinny, pale androgynous body could pass
as either man or woman; nobody had seen enough of the poor creature to quantify
it as either. Its skin held taunt over a
skeletal frame, like an animated corpse. With deep obsidian eyes it has held silent
witness to every barbarism imaginable, torture without end at Camp 22. It would whisper to the prisoners being box
tortured, unfortunate souls locked in a confining 4 foot boxes for days upon
weeks without being able to stand or stretch out. Many would die from blood clots after release;
the few survivors would blame the whispering creature on their own fleeing
sanity.
It would leave the guards secret treats and trinkets. Tobaccos collected from discarded cigarettes
were meticulously rolled into new joints and distributed in secret under the
guise of night. It held no special
hatred for the guards or love for the prisoners of Camp 22. It would donate a skinned frog to a prisoner
one day, and then awaken a slumbering guard the next before his supervisor
could round the corner. Despite the
cruelty of its conditions, despite never feeling the warmth of human kindness
itself, the fire of compassion burned deep inside the creature that simply
became known as the “yulyeong”, Korean for “ghost”.
Posted by CROPSY'S CRYPTKEEPER at 10:22 AM 0 comments
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