Civilization
has begun its march to extinction. It’s
a steady pace, the cadence of violence and fear rings loud and clear for all.
Panic is everywhere. Cities crumble as
survivors spread out to the wasteland in search of food and shelter; society
decays. On the streets it is a white
line nightmare of Darwinian survival.
The highways are painted red with the blood of the innocent. The high and tights, the ex-militia, the
crazy and lonely and sadistic men that used violence to protect us and let us
sleep at night have emerged from the maelstrom to take control. The gas wars lead to the oil wars which lead
to the water wars which end in a nuclear nightmare. Resources are spread to the breaking
point. Tribalism rules the land. Roaming bandits feast upon the weak. It’s a new world, with new rules, learn
them….
And amidst
the rubble and decay of this post-apocalyptic nightmare, never stopping, never
ceasing; BATTLE TRUCK! A roaming death
machine, twisted metal crushing bodies in its wake, unstoppable, unbreakable,
and helmed by the sadistic ex-colonel Straker.
Straker sees the new world as it is; an opportunity for the strong to
suppress the weak, to survive and flourish as warlords. Politics of the old world are too soft and
for the meek, “too much lipstick, not enough napalm”. He roams the world doing what “the Generals”
were too cowardly to do; instill order through fear and violence. He has gathered a band of brutal mercenaries
to impose his will on whomever he crosses, gobbling them up in his war machine
to use as another resource in his unending search for conquest.
Straker is
polite, courteous, and willing to murder anyone with a cold reptilian
detachment; anything for more oil. His
daughter however is a peace loving daisy hugging dreamer (bleargh!) who can’t
reconcile her petty moral code with the harsh reality of the nuclear wasteland. She runs away from Straker’s camp and is
rescued by a loner with a cool motorcycle and night vision goggles;
Hunter. Hunter brings her to his
thriving chicken shit farm. After
telling her he really hates people but helps them anyways he leads her to
another community of hippies who are attacked by Battle Truck while picking
apples. They put up a pathetic fight,
and a distressed Straker’s daughter runs back to Hunter as the raiders gather
up the town women. Let me tell you, when
she is recounting the tale of the fallen town to Hunter it really seems like
the actress is suffering from severe PTSD or something. Snot is flying from her nose, she’s crying so
hard she can barely speak her line; holy shitballs give this lady a Grammy or
whatever; best supporting actress in a B-rated post-apocalyptic movie about a
giant truck. Later Hunter bangs her, and
she gets all prophetic about humanity like she’s stoned or something; damn
hippy. The mailman from Cheers is in
this too although his mustache is gone (must have been melted by nuclear
fallout).
There’s a
shootout at night. They must have used
the same lighting guy from Humongous
because I can’t see shit. Straker ends
up kidnapping his daughter back and Hunter works with the dude from Cheers to
build a new battle wagon, which sucks ass.
It really kind of looks like a junky piece of shit but Hunter makes it
work. I’m assuming the film crew tried
building something formable at first like the V-8 Interceptor from Mad Max but
ran out of money or patience or both and just said “fuck it, let’s mount a
machine gun to a beat up Volkswagen bug and call it a day”. In the end the Battle Truck careens off into
a gully and explodes although I’m not convinced Straker really died. Seemed like they hysterically set up room for
a sequel: Battle Truck 2: The Revenge of
Straker. Fuck I’d be there opening
day. Something about post-apocalyptic
nonsense makes me feel free and long for the end of civilization.
