Happy Friday the 13th

Black Christmas refake...PG-13?

There are plenty of great horror movies that aren't rated R, that's a fact, but nothing can save a bad horror movie like boobs, bad words, and blood.  The Black Christmas 2019 refake became far less exciting to me knowing it's going for the PG-13th rating to try to appeal to a larger audience of younger females that might find scary movies too edgy or something.  Way to talk down to women; suddenly they can't take the gore?   

   

Trick (2019)

TRICK is a hyper-kinetic slasher, a shock-a-minute horror thrill ride through frosty Upstate NY on various Halloween nights.  Patrick Weaver is a smart, quiet, loner that his classmates call “Trick” for short; and apparently has a hard-on for Halloween myths and gets wet over urban legends.  Trick knows what he wants to be when he grows up; a new age Michael Myers, or at least the dime store equivalent.  Everyone needs a role model, so on Halloween Night 2016 he dons a double sided pumpkin skull mask and plays spin the knife with his “friends”, the typical cast of high school clichés and stereotypes including jock football players, and soon the psycho stabbing starts, but before Trick can hit the double-digit body count he’s impaled by a fire poker by the nubile virginal teen who he seemingly has a small thing for.  While recovering at the hospital Trick stages a dramatic escape, cutting a bloody swath through the staff, displaying hardcore parkour abilities while shrugging off bullets from the police.  He disappears into a frozen lake, leaving more questions than answers.

As the detectives on the case slowly try to piece together the clues it becomes apparent that there is far more to Trick than it seems, and as he alludes police with each subsequent Halloween massacre his legend grows; Trick’s ability to anticipate the detectives moves almost seems supernatural.  They even begin calling him “true evil” (hello Michael Myers-lite), but that might be Patrick’s greatest “trick” of all.  SPOILER TIME...It seems he has been taking a lot of notes from the Scream series, and there might be multiple Trick impersonators and doppelgangers afoot; the irony here being that the movie is kind of a semi-Scream 2 reunion, featuring Jamie Kennedy (woooof time has not been kind) and Omar Epps (killed in the bathroom of the movie-in-a-movie Stab premier in Scream 2).  Horror legend Tom “everybody likes me” Atkins also joins the cast; watching the old Creep-killer wield a shotgun on the screen again warms the cold cockles of my bitter black heart.            

Trick moves at a breakneck speed; there is not a lot of time for atmosphere just a mad dash from one kill scene to the next.  There is barely any time to process one massacre before jumping into the next in a kitchen sink approach to horror; mixing elements of several popular slasher movies in hope of establishing a hip new franchise; they even throw in a Saw-like trap at one point as a nod to torture-porn.  Trick does a fine job of keeping its cards tight to its chest; it kept me guessing until the end.  It’s silly and stretches common sense to its breaking limit, but it will entertain the popcorn munching crowd looking for cheap brainless thrills, like a good haunt or backwoods horror maze it primarily focuses on giggle-inducing jump scares.  Any time spent on exposition and character feelings seems completely unnecessary and tends to drag down the pace, detracting from the bloody show pieces; better just to give slash-heads the gory gruel they signed up for.

Patrick Lussier also directed My Bloody Valentine 3D, which was far more impressive as a technical feat (the first time I saw convincing 3D) than as a remake of the original material (MBV is classic stalk and slash), but the pacing is pretty much the same here as it was in MBV3D.  There was almost an Halloween 3D helmed by the same writer/director team of Patrick Lussier and Todd Farmer (Jason X), and while I love their passion for B-grade horror I can’t help but feel a bit grateful that project didn’t come to pass and Trick kind of re-enforced that notion for me.  I think Halloween works better as a slow burn like a good Hitchcock movie; where Patrick Lussier’s movies feel more rushed and cheap to me, devoid of atmosphere but ready to deliver the bloody chunks in a kind of frantic dash from plot point to plot point.    

For anyone looking for a bloody fun new Halloween chunk-blower with 90’s slasher inspirations like “I Know What You Did Last Summer”, Trick will give you the treats you seek. 

Halloween Kills Teaser

Exhumed

If you are not listening to the bay area death metal splatter gore maestro's Exhumed as part of your daily soundtrack you are not living a full VHS monster kid life, you are living a lie! 

Retroband

Essential toys for your crypt, look at these monstrosities!

http://www.retrobandtoys.com/

https://deadlydelivery.bigcartel.com/

Cropsy's Cryptkeeper might have to take a crack at making his own bastard creations of soft vinyl and clay....

Spookbag 2019

Halloween came early this year with lots of treats for this monster kid and horror hog.  Plenty of fun junk to sate the appetite of anybody with true Hallow's eve spirit and orange mutant blood running through their black veins.  I really hope to make this an annual tradition, it came with a cursed black fortune cookie, candy corn, marshmallow ghost farts, squishy boogers, a plastic roach, horror movie pins, zany stickers, a pen, so much crazy fun stuff....

...it's like stealing a trick or treaters bag.  None of the hard work, all of the sweet sugary rewards.
Oh yeah it came with this kick ass shirt too, get SHUCKED!:

I hope everyone is getting ready for Hallow's Eve and is feeling the Fall fever.....long live the monsters...